Today makes for some emotions.
Sullivan is four months and 24 days old. Today was the day in Duncan's life that he left us. I have been thinking about this day for some time... did the math a few weeks ago, because I knew it was approaching.
And I just can't believe it.
I cannot believe that I could ever have lost a child. I think about Sullivan and what in the world I would do if I lost him today. Ahh, I lose it just pondering that possibility. How did we go through that? I mean, I know the answer to that question: One step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. And yet it feels so impossible that it ever happened.
The pain of Duncan's death has become less and less unbearable. Scott and I talk about our dear boy from time to time, and I take moments to think about him every time I peer out my kitchen window to view the dogwood tree we planted here in Rochester (similar to the one my girlfriends planted at the Park of Roses in Clintonville, OH). I often wonder: "Am I different enough as a result of Duncan's place in my life? Do I honor him enough?" These thoughts are immediately followed by, "I feel like I should be wiser as a result of having been Duncan's mother." I know that sounds like a weird one... difficult to explain... It's like I feel like I should have an "older soul" about me: listening more, talking less, better judgement, knowing the right things to say and when to say nothing at all... Like I should be more grown up. I know I learned infinite lessons through Duncan's life and death - and now I just want to use THEM ALL. Am I making ANY sense?
Anyway, today makes me feel so incredibly grateful for the two kiddos I have with me, and incredibly grateful for the one kiddo I don't have with me, but who forever changed me.